So, a lot is going through my brain right now. I was all of a sudden hit with what felt like a huge weight on my shoulder. Or as if I had just walked into a brick wall. Have you ever felt like that? When all of a sudden everything seems to be happening all at the same time? (That’s what I would call the weight). And then on top of everything happening at the same time I feel so completely lost and stuck again. This is the second time in the last year that I have had this feeling. (This would be the brick wall I keep running into). Ever felt stuck before? If not, props to you! Because it is not fun when you experience it.
Let me explain. So, today while flying back from Utah after visiting my sister (which was a lot of fun by the way), I got bombarded with everything that I needed to do in the next few weeks. I was reminded of my callings at church, people I needed to go and visit, activities that I needed to plan for, food I needed to get ready, emails that needed to be written and I was feeling very overwhelmed and may I add, frustrated with the whole thing.
Let me back track a bit and explain a little bit about myself. You see, one of my weaknesses (and I’ll admit it), is that I get frustrated and stressed very easily. Why? Well, because of my other weaknesses (I know, how many do I have haha). My other weakness is that I worry too much. I worry about others, I worry about things in the future, I worry about things that could go wrong, things that could happen, I think of the what if’s instead of just going with the flow and seeing what happens. That being said, when I don’t plan ahead or when I am not on top of things, or when things don’t work out how I had planned, I get easily worked up and frustrated. (I know, probably one of the reasons why I scare men away. It will take an extremely humble and brave man to want to put up with that 24/7).
Okay, so going back to my weights and brick wall. All of this was happening, and most of it was happening today while traveling. Sometimes I feel like because I have to plan ahead and because I have to make sure things will be done and I worry a lot, I feel that I tend to put everything on me rather than letting others help me. But at the same I make myself tired and frustrated because I don’t let others help as much – and I am not a person that really likes making others do something. I just hope and expect people to step up and help and so when they don’t I get worried and frustrated. (Another weakness of mine? Maybe). So what I realized tonight is that I need to start keeping a planner again to keep everything organized and planned out so I don’t feel quite as stressed.
So now let’s talk about that wall I have been walking into repeatedly shall we. I recently have been struggling with work again…which I struggled with a few months ago when I almost decided to move to Arizona. Well, I have not been satisfied at work again. I’ve been feeling kinda blah there and wanting a change. You might be thinking, well then why don’t you? Well, here’s the problem. I don’t know what I would want to change to. See my dilemma? I want to change jobs but have no idea to what. I got my degree in Child Development but I don’t know that I really want to work at another school (I’m currently working at a private school). So I don’t want to quit without knowing knowing what I will do. I’m currently taking online 2 classes in digital arts to learn more about that and maybe get a certificate in web design… but I don’t even know if I want to do that. I hate homework and I told myself after I got my bachelors degree that I wasn’t going back to school…yet here I am. Adding more stress to my plate.
Another thing that I was thinking about is how in the last year or so since I have graduated college I haven’t had visiting teachers or home teachers come visit me. For those who don’t know what that is, basically in our church we are given a name or two of someone to go and visit regularly and talk to and make sure everything is okay. We are a church family and this is how we build those relationships even further. But lately I haven’t had that. I know that I go to church every Sunday and things may seem okay, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t need to be visited as well. I also have my own struggles and trials and good moments that I want to be able to share with someone. But I haven’t been able to.
Another wall that is making me feel stuck in this world is the fact that I am single. I tend to go through phases where I don’t care that I am single. I find myself saying, “who cares! Forget men!”. And then there’s times where I find myself saying, “where are the guys?? Why aren’t they asking me out?”. I’m going through a mixture of the two right now. I feel like saying, “who cares anymore, I am done with dating – but if someone asks me out that would be awesome cuz I’m tired of being single”. I just finished a book by Al and Ben Carraway and I found these two quotes I liked.
“God Loves us. He is good. He is our Father and He expects us to pray and trust and be believing and not give up and not panic and not retreat … when something doesn’t seem to be going just right” – Elder Jeffrey R. Holland
“Here’s the thing about hard times – they’re hard. But what makes them harder is when you feel like you’re alone in them. Do the hard things together.” – Al and Ben Carraway
Hard times are going to come but we need to include the Lord and it is always easier when we have someone to go through them together. In this they were talking about their spouse. I know that something is missing in my life and I know what that is. It’s a family of my own. I know that to truly reach that level of happiness will require that sacred blessing in my life.
“You will be blessed with a companion that will help you in the ways that you need, even if you sometimes feel like they don’t exist, or that you’re asking for too much, or that you’re too picky. Don’t let passing time allow doubts or the idea of settling to take over. Just hold on and don’t lose confidence. Heavenly Father knows what’s important to us and He knows what we need; He will bless us with those things if we trust Him and stay close to Him. In the meantime, go on adventures and learn new hobbies. Don’t put your life on pause. Fill your life with meaning and purpose, and stop thinking that there is something wrong with you. Just be you and take care of the relationship you do have: your relationship with God.” -Al and Ben Carraway
So I am trying to figure out how to get unstuck in my life while accepting and dealing with everything in front of me. How do I accept the fact that I am single still when what I have wanted for the past 4 years hasn’t happened? How do I accept the fact that I have no idea what I want to do with my life right now? Or where I want to go? How do I understand that the reason I am single isn’t because of me, but that God just doesn’t see it in the plan right now? How do I stay more calm and relaxed in situation and not get so worried? I could go on and on. Sometimes I just feel like giving up and throwing my hands up in the air and walking away from everything. But I know I can’t do that. And deep down I wouldn’t really want to do that (that would make me worry more haha).
I know I have weaknesses and I’m trying to deal with them. I’m trying to get them in control. I’m trying to be better. It is with God that He can make our weak things become strong right? It just isn’t easy.
I know I have a lot to be thankful for. This weekend I was able to go and visit my younger sister and her family in Utah. That was a great experience for me. I was able to visit with her and laugh a lot. I was able to get away from work for a bit and basically leave my life and responsibilities for a day. I was able spend time my with little 1 year old niece – which was a hoot! And so I am grateful for my family and for all my siblings and the joy they bring to me. I may not have children of my own but I do get to feel loved and give love to children at work and to all my nieces and nephews.
“If we magnified blessings as much as we magnify disappointments, we would all be much happier” – John Wooden
Don’t get me wrong… I’m grateful for a lot in my life. And I know, I know – I have a tendency to just focus on the negative (I know, another weakness I have). I don’t want you guys to think I am this horrible pessimist who is selfish and only thinks about myself. Because I don’t. But I feel that I often am worrying and trying to care for everyone else that I don’t get the opportunity to talk about my own life and problems (mainly because I don’t like to or feel comfortable to do so). But I’m hoping that as I keep blogging that I will learn to express myself better, be able to get feedback from readers who may be going through similar things, and who knows maybe I will end up helping someone along the way. Life is hard, and we are meant to help each other along this journey.
Thanks for listening to my rant today. I know it was a long one. That’s what happens when you finish your book on the plane.
Feel free to comment with any feedback or send me an email! Love you all!