So this post is most likely going to be completely jumbled and I apologize for that. I just wanted to get some things off my mind and update you on where I am in life.
Many of you know that recently we were told that our school was closing and that we would be out of a job by June 15th. Well, I am still in search of a job – with no real luck there. I still don’t know in what direction I want to go. I have looked online at some schools as another assistant teacher, I have thought about being in an office, and I have even looked at some freelance stuff that deals with writing/websites.
I recently had one of my best friends tell me that she is moving in two weeks…total shock to me. We had both talked about it a few months ago but nothing happened, and then I got a text from her the other day that she was leaving. She doesn’t have a job lined up but she will be living with 2 of her friends and even though it will be a scary and big move for her, I was kind of jealous. Jealous because at least she was doing something with her life. She was moving. I feel like I’m not. And I am not saying that I have to move to another state in order to feel like I am moving forward, but I do feel kind of stagnant. My life consists of going to a job that I know I won’t have soon, coming home and doing some homework, and then starting my day over again.
I am a person that has very low self esteem. I get anxious. I get overwhelmed. I overthink. I’m not a risk taker. I’m not a confident person. So feeling stagnant in my life is very frustrating for me. Sometimes I let all these things get in the way of making relationships with people. Building connections. I don’t date a lot and often times I feel it is because of all my flaws. I’m a hard person to be around. I am. I will admit that. You can ask any of my siblings and they would say the same thing. I know that 70% of the time it is not because of my flaws – it’s just because I haven’t found someone yet for me.
Lately I have also been feeling very low with my self esteem. I stopped doing weight watchers (which I had lost 27 pounds using), and I have just been feeling so blah and negative towards myself I guess you could say. I know that I need to see myself as God does, and I think that is going to be something that I will be working on for the rest of my life.
I do have to say the other day a little girl in my class totally pulled at my heart strings. I was helping a little girl wash her hands when all of a sudden I felt something on my leg. I looked down and the other girl had kissed my leg! Out of nowhere she just decided to give me a little peck haha. I got a bit teary eyed for some reason haha! It was just totally random and so cute! There have been days where a child who is 2 years old will tell me, “Ms. Kaitlin I love you” and it just melts my heart. Even though I am so stressed at work, with life, with dating, with myself, etc., I am so glad to have these little munchkins in my life who are constantly giving me the love I need right now.
May we all strive to stand a little taller, be a little better, and see ourselves as God sees us.